Today (22/10/13) Rihanna performed in Tel Aviv, Israel
just some 'six' hours after arriving in the country. Although it would
have been more sensible for Rihanna to use those precious few moments
preparing for her concert she was instead dragged off for a photoshoot
at the Dead Sea in what was p*ss poor attempt to justify why she was
arriving from the Greek island of Crete rather then the United Arab Emirates (UAE) a day earlier.
Needless to say Rihanna epically f*cked up arriving on stage some 90+
minutes after her scheduled stage time. As of yet I do not know the
exact running order of the standard set-list but I gather Rihanna was
wearing one outfit throughout her performance. If I was being charitable
I would say this ensemble of black trousers, skirt, and long black mesh
veil attached to a China style headpiece which was eventually stripped
down to just a black sports-bra style top/hotpants/headpiece combo made
it look as though Rihanna had got dressed in the dark.
That is of course charitable because the phrase; "Looks like they got
dressed in the dark" is owned outright by follow Roc Nation 'artist'
Kanye West. Therefore Rihanna's general demeanour on stage could
possibly be explained away by Kim Kardashian posting on
Twitter/Instagram a picture of herself wearing an engagement ring in
front of an electronic scoreboard sign bearing the slogan "Will You
Marry Me?" Now I'm not a detective but I think this might indicate that
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian might be getting married. However I think
Kanye West's accountant might have something to say about that in the
next 72 days.
Anyway even though Rihanna was epically late and they had to close most
of the major roads in their capital city during a municipal election the
Israelis were desperate for this concert to go ahead. That's because in
the original script Rihanna's UAE concert on Saturday (19/10/13)
was merely to provide an excuse to drive Rihanna to a full-scale
emotional and psychological breakdown while she was in the country. As
such Israel was determined they would be the next nation Rihanna would
visit so she could be provided with a safe space to rest and recover
from her ordeal.
Therefore I suppose I should probably start this review of Rihanna's
Israel concert by talking about her time in the UAE. The great news is
that Rihanna's scheduled breakdown did not even come close to
materialising. However this was not from a lack of trying on the parts
of both Rihanna's CIA handlers/Live Nation (the management) and the
local hosts.
And at 22:05 on 22/10/13 I'll tell you all about that after I just step suspiciously outside for a moment.
Edited at around 22:25 on 22/10/13 to add; Seriously there used to be a time when people were allowed to smoke in offices;
The main part of the management and the local host's effort to drive
Rihanna to a breakdown involved making sure that she spent the maximum
amount of time as possible in the country. Therefore Rihanna arrived in
the very early hours of Saturday (19/10/12) and was booked to remain
there until this morning. However something came up and I'll get to that
later.
The second part of the management and the local hosts plan was
scheduling two incredibly stupid excursions for Rihanna. The first of
these was on Saturday morning which saw Rihanna visit a western-style
water park. The plan here was for Rihanna and her friends to be
photographed cavorting around in skimpy bathing costumes and Rihanna
duly obliged posting said pictures on Twitter/Instagram. In a strictly
Sunni Islamic country where women are expected to fully cover their
bodies if they even dare leave their husbands home this was intended to
provoke an extremely hostile backlash. If you want to know exactly how
"hostile" think Benghazi.
The other extremely poor choice of an excursion was to the Sheikh Zayed
Mosque. The effect of that particular visit was intended to be twofold;
Firstly although she strictly adhered to 'Islamic' modesty standards the
mere act of Rihanna being photographed at this religious site (for
example non-Muslims aren't even allowed into Mecca) would be enough to
cause massive offence to Muslim extremists prompting an extremely
hostile backlash against Rihanna. If that wasn't enough the sight of
Rihanna covering her hair whilst visiting a Mosque was enough to cause
massive offence to Christian extremists prompting an extremely hostile
backlash against Rihanna who they accused of promoting Islam. As a
result pretty much every comment I've read about Rihanna on social media
(Twitter/Instagram) since Saturday has been of the extremely angry,
insulting and offensive nature that only a religious zealot can truly
achieve.
The second intended effect of inviting Rihanna to the Sheikh Zayed
Mosque was to produce a picture of Rihanna "standing firm in front of
the [any] Mosque." That is because most of the stress placed on Rihanna
during Sunday (20/10/13) was supposed to be being generated by me being
placed under ceaseless attack by my neighbours and their friends and
associates otherwise known as "The Police." For reasons that still make
no sense to me the address of those neighbours is known as 'the Mosque."
Whatever you call it though the property is owned by a - I suppose
"criminal entity" is the correct term. This criminal entity was very
active during the Croydon branch of the UK's August 2011 riots burning
down occupied properties in the hope that they could buy the fire
damaged sites at a knock-down price in order to re-develop them for a
huge profit. Therefore the image of Rihanna standing firm in front of
'the Mosque' was supposed to give the entirely false impression that
Rihanna fully supported this little, local criminal entity. As such
Rihanna jolly well deserves all the punishment she gets because Rihanna
was totally responsible for the UK's August 2011 riots(!).
At around the time Rihanna left the UAE in the early hours of Monday
(21/10/13) on an emergency detour to the Greek island of Crete the
Sheikh Zayed Mosque released a statement announcing that Rihanna had
been thrown out after entering the compound and taking photographs
without permission. Apart from being a coded reference to the fact that
Rihanna had left the UAE this was the UAE's - government is not the
right word - trying to shore up domestic support. Firstly it was
intended to give the entirely false impression that it hadn't given its
full prior permission for Rihanna's photoshoot. Secondly it was intended
to give the entirely false impression that it was the UAE's choice that
Rihanna had left a day early.
Rihanna's management of course agreed to go along with this statement
because it was so shrill that it made it quite clear that the UAE most
certainly did not given permission for Rihanna to leave a day early.
Therefore the US was hoping to spin this as them bravely, finally
standing up to the Gulf Monarchs. The problem was that everybody in the
business (see the Republic of Ireland for details) already knew full
well that Rihanna was being diverted to Greece because the management
were having trouble deciphering this incredible story of a blond haired,
blue eyed white girl who had been bravely rescued by Greek police from a
Roma Gypsy family who had stolen her as a baby.
At around 23:10 on 22/10/13 this rather neatly brings me on to the bit
of my job I hate the most - the tensions in the relationship between
Rihanna and Melissa Forde. Therefore it seems like an appropriate time
for me to leave my partially prepared statement, smoke a little more,
open another bottle of wine and basically just try and wing it.
Edited at around 00:35 on 23/10/13 to add: Well this is going to be s*t;
The reason why I consider the tensions between Rihanna and Melissa Forde
to be the worst part of my job is that because unlike Rihanna's
repeated, forced reunions with Chris Brown her relationship with Melissa
Forde strikes me as being completely genuine. In my experience it is
best to let this type of friendship run it's natural course without
over-analysing it. Or having someone over-analyse it on the Internet for
you. As the case may be.
Anyway somewhere back there in one of those distant pasts Rihanna and
Melissa Forde had a big bust up that led to Ms Forde being sent home
from the tour. Rather then being anything to do with Ms Forde's blatant
and massive homosexuality this argument was all about whether Rihanna
should follow my tactical plan for this third and final leg of the
Diamonds World Tour or follow Ms Forde's plan. As this sort of thing is
very much my area of expertise it goes without saying that Ms Forde
lost.*
After something of an air clearing session though the relationship
between the two began to improve. A large part of this was Rihanna's
decision to send Ms Forde to London in order to prove a point to the
South Africans. Unfortunately Melissa Forde kind of lost her sh*t and
got on the phone to Rihanna begging to come to South Africa. This caused
more then 100 types of trouble so Rihanna paid for Ms Forde to fly
commercial to Crete because there was no point bringing that sort of
un-settlement to the UAE.
However being determined to look like an idiot whilst she was flying to
Crete Melissa Forde decided to make a great deal of a book of Ancient
Greek proverbs that someone (I honestly don't know who) had given her to
read on the plane. Possibly because of the blatant sarcasm of this
'gift' or her annoyance at being forced to bang her knees against the
seat in front Ms Forde decided to share exerts of this book on
Twitter/Instagram.
I am though arrogant enough to think that Ms Forde was so keen to share
with us the fact she'd been sent to fly ahead to Crete alone was because
she thought the announcement about a blond haired, blue eyed white girl
being saved from a Roma Gypsy family in Greece disproved my assertion
that Kate McCann's claim that her daughter Madeline had being kidnapped
by - I believe now a Saudi Arabian white slavery ring - rather then
simply killed by an accidental sedative overdose was just the words of a
doctor trying to cover up her mistake. Little did Ms Forde realise that
there's a lot more depth to the 'Maria' story then that.
Of course if the management hadn't insisted on sending Rihanna to Crete
or if Rihanna had bothered to tell me that she'd left the UAE I would
have spent most of Monday talking your ears off about the 'Westside
Story." However because as we all know the management are far more
intelligent, cunning and downright sexy then you or I, I will say simply
this;
"Fu*king Hell!! That's got to be the first time in history European fascism has prevented someone escaping to Israel!!!"
Honestly(!) 23:59 on 22/10/13 (UK date.)
* I
do though reserve the right to mock Melissa Forde about her massive and
blatant homosexuality on Twitter anytime I like. After all it's not
what we're actually arguing about.
(Originally Posted on 22/10/13)
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